I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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