just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
