yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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