turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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