There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
