The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
