Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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