Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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