my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
