"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
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come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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