I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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