So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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