Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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