I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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