So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
