i already hear my dad disowning me
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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