don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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