You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
