Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
