The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
