im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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