o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
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in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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