I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
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Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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