I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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