Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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