you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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