i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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