I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
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Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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