I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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