I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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