I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
