She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
