This is not my ceiling
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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