My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize