so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
