It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
