When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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