Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
pop tarts are not kleenex
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
