I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
