You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ambien. No doubt about it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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