A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
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i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
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I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize