I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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