I accidentally had phone sex last night
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
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We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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