Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dear god my vagina.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
