fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center