I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
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I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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