I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.