went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
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you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
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When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You're breaking my sexual little heart