corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
