Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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