Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
