Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
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I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
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You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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