Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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