I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
