she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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